Returning.

I am evermore amazed at how quickly time passes. I swear it was just the middle of July and I was asking myself where the first half of summer went. This past month especially has been jam-packed with fantastical adventures and they are really only just beginning.

Where do I start? I have mentioned in previous posts my intention to go back to school for my MPA (Master's in Public Administration) degree. Back in May I had an interview for a graduate assistant position working in the Levin College of Urban Affairs at Cleveland State University (where I earned my undergraduate degree). The way I saw it, if I got a graduate assistantship, I would start school in the fall. If I didn't get one, I would wait until spring and hopefully get one then; and if not, oh well. If you are a graduate assistant in the College, they cover 100% of your tuition PLUS a stipend (about $12/hour) for working 20 hours a week. For this reason, the interview I had back in May was so exciting, especially when they called me back and said they wanted to hire me! One small caveat, though: no tuition waiver. WAH-wah. HUGE disappointment! I considered taking the job; but ultimately decided I would probably regret it, and politely turned the job down.

As fall semester crept closer and no more interviews or job offers arose, I deferred my admission to spring semester and resigned myself to at least 6 more months of waitressing.

Fast forward to the week of August 20th -- one week before fall semester -- and I get an e-mail from the director of the MPA program asking me if I would consider attending in the fall if I had a G.A. position. I was thrilled! If they were interviewing this late in the game, and reaching out to someone who wasn't even planning to start until January, I figured there was a very good chance I would get the job. Then I find out the "interview" would be a brief meeting with THREE individuals all seeking an assistant. holymaboley.

Wednesday August 22nd. I meet with the director of the MPA program, the program manager from the Center for Leadership Development, and the director of the Center for Emergency Preparedness. First of all, they were all incredibly kind and non-intimidating types. There was a very relaxed atmosphere in the room, with a side of friendly competition (between the latter two at least). Each of them told me what they do within the College, and what they were looking for in a G.A. Then they asked me a bit more about myself, aside from my resume. Then they asked me which one I would like to work for. The program manager from the CLD and the director of the CEP were kind of going back and forth with "sales pitches" to me about why I should "pick" them. It was pretty ... weird, I guess. I was flattered and a little confused and really, really, really happy. They all seemed to really want me to pick them. I started wondering if there were any other interviewees at all. Of the three, I was most interested in working with the Center for Leadership Development (more about why on another post). It was a little awkward-feeling on my end to verbalize that  because I have such a hard time saying things that people don't like to hear and 2/3 of the room, regardless of my choice, would not necessarily like to hear it.

After shaking hands and some closing remarks, I left the interview room. The door closed behind me, and the three of them began conferring as I walked away. I walked to the elevator feeling confident and competent and wanted and intelligent and valued and oh crap I forgot my purse in the room. D'oh! Hey, nobody's perfect. They must have realized it at just the moment I did because they opened the door from inside just as I turned back toward it and then I

gotmypurseandleftlikeaveryawkwardturtle.

Thursday August 23rd. I was working a double at Houlihan's and feeling pretty fantastic about the day before and hoping to get the good news that I was chosen to work with the Center for Leadership Development. I had sent some thank-you e-mails out before work and was obsessively checking my phone to see if anyone had responded. Finally I saw the lovely little number 1 on top of the Mail graphic on my phone indicating a new e-mail. Excited, I opened it and read:

Hi Maria 

Our circumstances have changed in terms of being able to offer a full graduate assistantship. I'm not sure if you're still considering your graduate degree or if you're still available. 

Please call me so we can discuss this.
 Thanks
D (they used their name, I'm just not disclosing)

This floored me.

All of a sudden I went from having 3 offers the day before, to having

FOUR offers. This e-mail was from the woman I interviewed with back in May who previously could not offer the "full graduate assistantship" meaning, the tuition waiver and the stipend. Un-be-freaking-lievable. I contacted this woman, and the gentleman from the CLD to keep everyone on the same page. I clarified that I wanted the CLD position but had to be assured it was mine before turning down the renewed offer from May. Then, as if things could get any better, the CLD guy tells me he spoke with the other woman, and they agreed on offering me to work in both their centers, 10 hours each per week. In that case, I would be guaranteed to have the position for 2 years.

Mind. Blown.

It was something to think about. I did not want to make a rash decision without having the chance to think about what I really wanted, what I could get out of each option, and what I would risk losing with whatever I chose.

Friday August 24th. I call Rob, the CLD program manager. I express my gratitude for his understanding and willingness to compromise. I tell him how delighted I was to have the option to work in both centers, but that I would be most interested in getting fully immersed in just one and that I would like to work in the Center for Leadership Development. He was just as excited as I was which is how I knew it was the right choice. There were still some logistics to figure out on his end, but by the end of the day on Friday I had received the following e-mail from Rob.

Hi Maria, 

On behalf of the Center for Leadership Development, we wanted to officially extend the offer to join our team as a Graduate Assistant. We are very excited to have the opportunity to work with you and we look forward to your contributions to the Center for Leadership Development. Your main assignment will be to work on the Strong Cities, Strong Communities Fellowship program (SC2 Fellowship). This is a nationwide initiative that will place Fellows in seven cities across the United States. 

Our partners in this initiative include Virgina Tech University and the German Marshall Fund. The program is co-sponsored by the White House and HUD. We will provide much more detail once you get settled in.  

In the meantime, feel free to contact myself or Z with any questions or concerns. Also, could you please plan to stop in the office on Monday to sign your contract and other forms. Please connect with R to complete the appropriate documentation. She is copied on this message and her office number is _____.  

Welcome aboard!

Since reading that e-mail, my life has looked something like this:

Fill out paperwork. Talk to this person. Talk to that person. Sign up for classes. Fill out more paperwork. Sign Master Promissory Note. Buy notebooks. Clean room. Quit job. Talk to financial aid. Paperwork. Buy parking pass. Meet new friends. Sign contract. Take care of 2-year old with fever. Start working. Go to class. Read. Be away from sick toddler for 3 days straight. Buy books. Read. Put gas in car. Do homework. Call this person. Read. Arrange for a speaker to come to this class. Set up this meeting. Read. Go to this meeting. Join this club. Pay this. Print this. Fax this. Read this. E-mail that. Listen. Nod. Learn. Take notes. Breathe. Sleep.

I love it. I couldn't ask for anything more. It's hard being away from Alex Tuesday morning through Thursday night, but I get 4 days off in a row (albeit there is homework but at least I see him). I feel like I'm on the threshold of something really amazing, or maybe it's just that right now is amazing. I am feeling so blessed and positive and I need to let it out somehow or I'm going to explode from goodness! Who wants cupcakes?!

Oh BLOG how I've missed you!

To anyone that has been keeping up with my blog.
To those of you that have been so supportive.
To any person that found some small comfort in my blog just by knowing that they are not alone in the frustration that is weight loss.

I'm sorry.

I haven't given up. But I'm sorry for my absence. I want to let you all in to my world of the last few weeks. For one, I've been working like crazy. I don't think I've ever waitressed 40 hours a week until this last week. Between being on the move for so many hours each day, and not eating during working hours (or after, when I get out late), I've still been shedding pounds. However, the whole "healthy eating" aspect of my life has been challenged, to say the least. When I am home, I'm rarely in the mood for cooking. I love cooking but these days if I'm home, I don't want to be on my feet. Other than work, there's this other challenge with eating healthy that I was dealing with recently. It's a woman's challenge; it arrives (for me) every 26-28 days. I'll give you some hints.

I was surfing the crimson wave.

I had the tears of a disappointed uterus.

My body had to reboot the Ovarian Operating System.

You get the idea. The effect that my bad case of the monthlies has on my appetite is undeniable and it is practically futile to deny it. The impact goes beyond the physical. It's not just a desire for chocolate or bread or pasta (or graham crackers). That is present, of course, but it is accompanied by a mental shift. My brain literally turns against me and has no trouble at all convincing me that this is an ok time to eat this or that.

So here I am, finally feeling like my hormones are back in balance. And it's like I have to start over with building good habits. The good thing is, it's less daunting and more exciting to think about eating healthy this time around than it was in the very very beginning. I think because I know it will make me feel good and I will see the pounds drop quickly. However it will take more effort this time around because I'm working more often.

No matter what day of the week or week of the month or month of the year it is, it all comes down to choices. And accepting the consequences of those choices. Like I said, for me the pounds are still dropping. I've lost a total of 9.6 pounds in the last month! But I've noticed a significant slow-down in the weight loss and I know eventually it will halt or I will start gaining if I don't get back on track. I'm off work today so it's healthy eats day.

In other, non-diet related news, I've decided to return to school for my Master's starting in January for the spring semester. I was considering going back in the fall but things didn't pan out quite like I'd hoped so I'll spend the next few months paying off credit cards and student loans before taking out even more. Eek! Can't wait to get back into the swing of it, though. I love CSU's College of Urban Affairs;  I'll be going for my Master's in Public Administration.

I'm going to try not to let a full week go by without a new post. I'm typically off on Wednesdays so I'll do my best to write a post at least every Wednesday. Toodles and kisses, everyone!

Coming Clean (and cooking meatballs)

The great thing about keeping you all in the loop via this blog is that I can share my accomplishments and get that positive feedback that I love oh-so-much. The bad thing about keeping you all in the loop via this blog is that I feel obligated to tell you about my failures as well.

Truth! Also, I imagine that the cut-off
portion of this girl is sneaking a bite
of a chocolate bar.

First with the good news. As of yesterday I've dropped 7 pounds! ((Applause and cheers))
And the other day I actually used my jump rope outside, after some surprisingly helpful tutorial videos; it's much more complicated than I remember from childhood.

I didn't last long with the jump-roping. I had no idea how exhausting it could be. Plus I hadn't eaten for about 4 hours when I decided to jump so I think my body was just a little low on energy when I started. Then I went inside to run on the treadmill and ended up spending ten minutes trying to find the extension cord to set it up and by then I was annoyed and discouraged and still low on energy, so my run on the treadmill was also very short-lived.

While I was "exercising," I had some meatballs cooking in sauce on the stove. I'm always trying to find ways to get Alex to eat vegetables, usually to no avail. The last time I made meatballs, I snuck some fresh veggies in and he ate them. So that was my motivation. They turned out really delicious, but Alex didn't eat them :( Picky kid. I didn't follow a recipe to make the meatballs, but I kept track of what I used so I could share my recipe, which is at the bottom of this post.

My intention was to eat some meatballs for dinner but skip the pasta (which I boiled for Alex and my parents to eat). But the pasta was there. And I was starving. And there were yummy meatballs. So, I ate pasta. Probably more than I typically would because I kept "testing" the noodles as I cooked them. Plus, Alex didn't eat his so I definitely did a little bit more than nibble.

While I'm coming clean, I'll come all the way clean. The other day, I told you about my trip to the zoo and my weakness for Teddy Grahams. Well I wrote that post mid-day, before going to the Greek Festival. I was pretty good at the festival -- I ate baked chicken, stuffed grape leaves, salad, and just a couple bites of a rice/pasta dish (passed on the white bread -- woo hoo!). But after the festival I had a hot fudge sundae. It was unreal and I can't say I regret it. The ice cream flavor was cappuccino chip and it was seriously a little bit of heaven on earth. So much fudge! The next day I had a really weak evening and I ate a bar of chocolate. Again, soooo good! I hate admitting all of this because I feel like I'm failing, but I think what I need to remember is that a moment of weakness doesn't have to become a lifetime of weakness. I can mess up, eat chocolate, and then pass on it the next time. I can't expect perfection out of myself; and the results are what matter anyway. After all that, the day after the chocolate bar was when I weighed in at 7 pounds less than my starting weight. I won't take that as permission to eat hot fudge sundaes and chocolate bars on the regular, but a girl's gotta live a little! Last thing to shamefully admit is that last night after work I had a beer and chicken wings. I don't know what's more embarrassing -- that I ate that kind of food late at night, or that I was sitting in a bar alone while indulging. Whatever, judge or hate but this is what you all missed:

+ Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy

Anyway, now you know. And what I take away from my weak moments/weak days/weak weeks is that in the end, I will reap whatever I sow. If I want to lose ten pounds in the next month I had better get it together, start exercising for more than 5 minutes at a time, and quit eating sweets and fried foods. But on the other hand, if I'm ok with losing weight gradually then I can occasionally go crazy on some hot fudge sundae or chicken wings. As it turns out, my attitude toward food/dedication to eating healthy fluctuates throughout the month. Go figure.

Meatball recipe, as promised.

Vegetable Meatballs

Get yer hands in there!

Meatball Mixture

1.3 lb 85% lean ground beef

1 cup of grated carrot

3/4 cup of finely chopped onion (about 2 small onions)

1/2 cup of grated zucchini

1 egg

2 tsp of orange zest

salt and pepper

Sauce

1/2 cup finely chopped onion

2 garlic cloves, minced

1/2 cup grated zucchini

2 jars pasta sauce

1 can tomato paste

1/4 cup red wine

1/4 cup water

1/4 cup orange juice

seasonings to taste

1. Combine the meatball mixture and form into (approximately) 1-inch meatballs. This should make about 25-30 meatballs.

2. Then sautee onion, garlic and zucchini in a large pot (I actually used 2 large pots, which I merged once the meatballs were cooked.

Try not to overcrowd or have the meatballs
touching one another. It's inappropriate.

3. After sauteeing for 8-10 minutes, add the meatballs to the pot. Turn them gingerly as they cook; they are delicate because there's no bread in the mixture.

4. Once the meatballs are browned all around, then add two jars of pasta sauce.

5. Add tomato paste and stir to combine.

6. Then add the water and the wine.

7. I added various seasonings throughout the cooking process.

8. The orange juice was an afterthought. I had zested 2 clementines for the meatball mixture, and had the naked-looking clementines sadly sitting on the counter, so I cut one open and squeezed the juice into the sauce. It turned out really subtle, but the orange flavor was present.

9. Allow meatballs to simmer in sauce for (?) at least an hour. The timing really depends on how cooked your meatballs were after the browning process. When I made this, I let them simmer for several hours; I made them early in the day and let them simmer until dinnertime. The longer the better because the flavors combine, but really you just have to make sure the meat is cooked through.

Enjoy with (or without) pasta! With the leftovers, I opted to replace the pasta with sauteed red and yellow bell peppers. Super-filling and satisfying without the carbs from pasta noodles. Yum yum!

Toodles :)

Falling and rising

I'm feeling a little down on myself today. Thought maybe I'd bring you guys into my little world even though the sun isn't shining so bright.

In general I've been doing pretty good with my eating habits. It's just hard to feel like I'm eating healthy on days that I work. Even if the food I eat is healthy, I'm not able to eat after 3 or 4pm; then I end up hungry at work. But by the time I'm out, I don't eat because it's so late at night. In the mornings, I've been eating either oatmeal (steel-cut, not rolled), or -- on very lazy mornings -- graham crackers. They are sooo good! And much like salami and mayonnaise sandwiches, if Alex is eating them, it's hard not to snatch a bite or 2.

Today was another zoo day. And much like the last one, I did not eat a proper breakfast or bring along the appropriate snackage. Whoa, snackage should most definitely be a real word. Let's make that happen. Anyway, I ended up eating almost all of Alex's animal crackers while walking around the zoo. I felt especially awful about that when he looked at me and said, "More crackers, please?" Sorry buddy. Aside from the calories, I have been trying to limit my carb intake after looking at this infographic about how bad they are for weight loss (thanks for pinning that Erica). And I didn't stop at the animal crackers. I also bought Alex one of those snackages of Teddy Grahams aaaaaand proceeded to eat about 90% of it. Then after the zoo, Alex's dad stopped for a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. I wasn't that tempted by the sandwich because last time I had cheese it made me feel pretty gross. But I was pretty hungry. I took one bite and that was enough. Well, I stopped after one bite. I won't say it was enough because my goodness was that delicious. I also may have had 6 or 7 french fries. Then I had to summon some self-control, walk away, and leave the vicinity.

And that's when I discovered five below.

Have you ever been to one of those stores? They're kind of fascinating in a I-don't-want-to-buy-anything-here-but-I-can't-stop-looking-at-every-item-in-stock kind of way. I did end up buying a jump rope in hopes that I will use it for cardio, as well as a book with 100 healthy recipes -- each recipe is centered around a different "superfood." And I bought a loofa.

Looking back on my day now, I guess I wasn't that bad. My major sins were a) animal crackers and Teddy Grahams b) fries/bite of sandwich c) spending some money I didn't need to spend.

On the bright side, I did restrain myself a bit at five below by not buying nail polish and also by not looking around the entire store. I only spent $9 + tax and it was on health products. I also spent about $50 at the zoo because I finally bought a year-long membership to the Zoological Society. That was a lot of money for someone trying to save every penny, but in the end a wise decision seeing as I have already paid my way into the zoo enough times this summer to have paid for a membership.

Alright so I wasn't that bad today. Just need to get back into the habit of healthy snackaging and preparation. Thanks, diary. I feel much better now :)

I want to be skinny with a fat, fat wallet

I'd like to talk to you about something that is happening to me as a result of this weight-loss journey. And it has nothing to do with weight loss. I'd like to talk to you about self-control.

You see, aside from trying to lose extra pounds, I'm also trying to slim down on credit card debt. It's been about 6 months since I've had any regular income. That means I've had to put more expenses on credit, and have only been making minimum monthly payments. Plus, this thing called Life just kept happening regardless to whether or not I had money. Had to buy a mattress when I moved to Cleveland. Paid partially for a rental I had for 2 weeks because my car was smashed into whilst parked in my driveway, minding its own business. Got 2 flat tires in less than a week. You know...life.

Now that I've started working again, I have an opportunity to do one of two things. One is the thing I want to do, and one is the thing I need to do.

I want to get a mani/pedi, shop, go to Cedar Point, buy new shiny things, and so on.

I need to pay off my debt.

Standing in the close-out aisle at Marc's, looking at this beautiful (and shiny) piece of artwork for just $7 that would look lovely on my bedroom wall, I was faced with a choice. To buy (because I really really love it and who knows how long this will be available and it's such a good deal), or not to buy (because I really really don't need it and it may only be $7 but that is $7 that should go toward paying off debt). And wouldn't you know...I didn't buy it! Just before that, I was standing in the tanning salon (spare me, I know it's awful for me) listening to the very convincing reasons why I should pay $16 for the extra-special Sun Angel tanning bed instead of the free-with-my-membership basic bed. Luckily, it was the female employee trying to sell to me so it wasn't too difficult to say no. Had it been the drop-dead-gorgeous, blonde haired, blue-eyed male employee -- who knows what I would have bought. I'm such a sucker for that type.

My point is that I was able to summon some power from within to control my spending even though I had the cash on hand. That's the thing with waitressing -- you always have cash and (for me at least) cash is so much quicker to fly out of my wallet than money on a debit card. So it takes extra extra willpower to hold back, especially in that closeout section at Marc's, where a cart of $2 purchases turns into a $40 shopping trip in seemingly no time at all.

Tying back to the weight loss deal... Just as it takes dedication and a powerful decision to eat healthy and smart, the same applies to any challenge in life. One decision at a time, one day at a time, you will see results. Slowly the pounds begin to shed, and slowly the debt begins to shrink. I haven't always considered myself the most patient individual, but I am trying.

I know this post was kind of unrelated to the theme of the blog but thanks for reading it anyway!

The E Word

I've been avoiding this subject.

I know that once I put it out there, I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. We all know there are two essential parts to any successful weight-loss plan. One is diet. The other is...

...exercise.







Can you sense my excitement? (sarcasm alert)

When I was younger, I loved sports. I played volleyball and softball, plus basketball on two leagues. But that's been over since high school started. In the last few years, I've been to the gym. Mostly when I first moved to Miami. Probably some combination of the "blank slate" feeling of a new city, and the ridiculous amount of thin and fit people there. Since I've been back in Cleveland, I've gotten on the treadmill a total of maybe six times (in six months).

Honestly, the excuses I've made for my diet have got nothin' on excuses I make for not exercising.

If I sweat, then I have to shower; and my hair takes forever to wash and dry.
Gym membership is too expensive.
I'm too busy.
I'll never get the body I want, anyway.
I don't know the right way to exercise.
I chase a toddler all day long.
Yada yada yada...

I know a lot of people can relate because not all of us enjoy exercise. But the thing is, I do believe I can enjoy it. I need to find the right method, that's all.

For me, I think I need to exercise with a buddy or a group. It comes back to being held accountable. I don't want someone necessarily breathing down my neck or screaming in my face, but I don't want to be the only person who is paying attention to what I'm doing. Another aspect is having someone that can instruct me when needed, at the very least to make sure I'm staying safe. Plus, being in a group setting keeps things from being boring. If the workout becomes boring (which is less likely to happen in a group anyway) you can people-watch while you exercise.

Honestly, though, I don't need to wait until I'm in a group setting to get a workout in. In fact, I really just need to look at my Pinterest boards, at the many many many workout plans I've pinned over the last 6 months while sitting on my ass.

Like this one, for example.
Or this one.
Or this.
Or this.
Or this.

I had to stop there because Pinterest is a vacuum and I was getting pulled in. Here's my Be Healthy, Be Happy board. (Enter Pinterest at your own risk)

I bought this Crossfit Groupon for myself the other day. I'm equal parts intimidated and excited. If anyone has experience with Crossfit, please share any tips or wisdom with me. I need to act on this and just call the place already.

My weight has gone down a total of 5.6 pounds. But I still have over ten pounds to lose to reach my short-term goal. And that's still twenty to thirty pounds more than my ideal weight. It's not just about the number. It's about the person I see in the mirror. Whether she weighs 100 pounds or 150 pounds or 200 pounds, if I am not pleased with what I see looking back at me, the battle is not won. For the record, if I ever weigh 100 pounds you should probably get me in to see a really good shrink. The point is to be healthy and confident and proud of myself.

Catching Up

Hello friends. Sorry for the neglect. I've had family in from out of town so my schedule has been a little shifty. So have my eating habits, but nothing too horrible. And I will confess everything in full.

Thursday's training was great because we actually didn't eat anything from the restaurant. I did end up indulging in some delicious (albeit fatty) beef stew that evening but I kept my portion small and was very satisfied. I may or may not have had some wine that night. I literally don't remember. Mommy brain.

Friday was my final day of training at the restaurant. It was the day to taste entrees and desserts. And I learned something about myself. The only way to avoid eating chocolate is to avoid being in the same room as chocolate. I took one bite of each of three entrees. Then I took one bite each of five (yes FIVE) desserts. One of these desserts was devil's food cake topped with chocolate ganache, covered in espresso cream, then topped with another touch of ganache, a dollop of ice cream, drizzled with chocolate and caramel sauce, then finished with miniature chocolate chips. I took a bite. I didn't taste the ganache, so I took another bite to try and find some. Then someone mentioned how tasty it is when the cake is warm. I couldn't remember if the cake was warm, so I took another bite to find out. Then I stopped making up excuses and just kept eating it. I must have eaten half the thing. About 300 calories. Not that I was counting that day, but to ignore the number would be too passive. Regardless, I loved it and enjoyed every bite and just remained mindful the rest of the day to drink extra extra water and be good the rest of the night.

The next morning (Saturday) my weight was exactly the same. Better than I was expecting- I figured I would have weighed in at half a pound more or so. Anyway, it was my first day off from the restaurant since the previous Sunday. I got back into my healthy oatmeal breakfast routine, along with coffee and cream. When I got hungry mid-day I snacked on celery and Smart Balance peanut butter. At some point I snacked on a graham cracker or 2. I've noticed that when I don't sleep well, I don't eat well. Probably just that I'm lazy and don't feel like cooking. All the more reason to plan ahead and have healthy food on hand. For dinner, I was invited to a cookout. On the menu was barbecue beef spare ribs, but my host was kind enough to accomodate to my diet and made me a steak. Still not the healthiest option but at least it wasn't covered in sugar-laden BBQ sauce. I made quinoa for the side. My mistake at dinner wasn't so much my choice in food, but my choice to continue eating past my level of satiation. Oh, and this time I remember: I definitely had some wine.

I was not surprised when my weight went up a tad this morning. Nor was I hard on myself. I know I slacked off this weekend for a number of reasons, but I also know that if I get back into the right way of doing things, I can continue making forward (or regarding the scale, downward) progress.

Pats on my back
I went to the movies Friday night and didn't eat any popcorn or drink any pop.
Stopped at Bar Louie after the movie for a glass of wine and didn't order any food, even though the kitchen was open and the menu looked pretty fabulous.
Some lady referred to me as "tiny."

Reminders
Write down little accomplishments as they happen so I don't forget!
Don't buy chocolate.
Get back to tracking calories.
Keep blogging :)